Open Letters

To Bob Gainey, GM of the Montreal Canadiens: whyfore art thou not offering big bucks to your current and longest serving Captain? You know, Saku, the very respectable, actually hard working face of the franchise. But yet you are dishing out to the flaky and under-performing Alexei Kovalev? You know, the guy you sent home in the middle of the season to have a timeout. Again - whyfore?! It really is absurd. Please make up for this by signing either of Mike Cammalleri or JayBo or Vinny Lecavalier, and we'll call it even so long as Kovy isn't made Captain. Thanks.

To Bob Spitz, author of the 900-page, 20-ton Beatles biography I have been trying to read for a few weeks now: while certainly admirable, the level of detail with which you document the childhoods of each Beatle is turning what should have been a quick and light read into a real effing task. I only hope that this level of reporting continues when I get to the part where The Beatles meet and actually start playing together as a band. More scandals and salacious rumors too please. Thanks.

To pointy objects and sharp corners: you make me nervous. Please stay away from Miss Lydia's eyes. Now that she's a near-unstoppable crawling machine - thwarted only by large stuffed animals and adult human legs or torsos - I trust you even less. Kindly back off. Thanks.

To sleep: look out, here I come.