Call For Papers

Dearest internet,

I am hereby issuing a sincere and heartfelt and *insert redundant adjective* plea for your help. Please take a moment to prepare your brain for my pending request. Exhale. Chant om. Go to your happy place - hopefully I am there; if not, imagine I am, but in some passive and not-at-all-creepy way. Perhaps I am feeding you grapes and massaging your back in a most pleasing yet platonic manner. Perhaps I am dancing - suggestively, yet comically suggestively - as a clown would. I am burning candles and baking bread. I am singing your favourite song in Willie Nelson's voice. I am DVR'ing your favourite TV show. I am agreeing with everything you say.

Now that you have been reduced to butter: what I need, dear friend, is a fail-safe get-rich-quick and/or solid work from home scheme job opportunity. I am looking for something that will allow me to maintain or increase my current level of income, while greatly increasing my loafing quotient. Effort has to be minimal or, at the very least, enjoyable. I don't want to be selling insurance or Amway or working the phones, making contacts, actually interacting with other humans... *shudder*

Preferably, I'm looking for either (i) an immediately and massively successful creative endeavour, or (ii) something I can set up and forget about, yet have continually fill my bank account with precious freedom-enabling money. Money for living. Money for loafing. Money for buying you presents. Example: some douche set up a website that offers a long list of vague and frankly useless suggestions on how to make money while blogging. This site apparently sits there, ugly and untended, collecting hits from suckers like me, netting him over $1,000/week from ad revenue alone. He says so himself on the site, which I will not be linking to.

Please, take my request back to your happy place - where I am entertaining you and massaging your temples with my warm, virtually hairless hands - and meditate on it. As a close friend/internet acquaintance, please know that the more loafing time I can afford, the better this world is for everyone (or something less awkwardly worded).

Love, sincerely,
Aaron